Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
