i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize