I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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