I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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