There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
