I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
