The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
