I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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