Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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