she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize