Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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