Please don't use social media to get back at me.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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