I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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