It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
