I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
