make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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