Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
