Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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