I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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