Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
