So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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