They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
