dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
