Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
