i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
