the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
