and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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