dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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