I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
