Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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