Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
