peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
