I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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