I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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