We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
