So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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