please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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