I got chris browned last night
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
