If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
