filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
