you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
