she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
