remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
