I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's never too late to be topless.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
