They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
