i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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