I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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