Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
