last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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