Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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