i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
