When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so let's talk penis.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
