I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
