I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
