like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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