No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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