you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
