Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
