If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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