i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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